Dear Tessa,
I can’t tell if she’s interested, and the uncertainty is starting to mess with my head. Some days it feels obvious. She responds quickly, engages in conversation, asks questions, and seems present. Other days, it feels distant. Short replies. Delayed responses. A lack of momentum that makes me wonder if I imagined the connection in the first place.
I keep trying to read the signs without overreacting. I tell myself not to jump to conclusions, that people have lives and moods and distractions. I don’t want to be the guy who assumes disinterest just because someone isn’t constantly available. But at the same time, I don’t want to ignore patterns that might be telling me something important.
What complicates it is that I don’t want to pressure her. I don’t want to ask directly and make things awkward or intense. I’m worried that bringing it up would change the dynamic or make me seem insecure. So instead, I analyze the small things. Tone. Timing. Effort. I try to piece together clarity without actually asking for it.
I also notice how much I adjust myself based on her responses. When she’s warm, I lean in. When she’s distant, I pull back. I don’t love that I’m doing that, but it feels like the safest way to avoid rejection. If I don’t fully show up, I can’t fully be turned down.
I don’t know if she’s unsure, uninterested, or just moving at a different pace. I don’t know if I should match her energy, initiate more clearly, or step back entirely. Waiting feels passive. Asking feels risky. Doing nothing feels like slowly losing ground.
I guess I’m trying to figure out whether confusion is part of the process or a sign that I’m already getting my answer.
So how do you tell when someone’s interest is genuine but inconsistent versus when it’s just not there? And how do you seek clarity without forcing something that isn’t meant to happen?
Signed:
A guy stuck in the gray area
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Interest doesn’t have to be constant to be real, but it does tend to be clear over time. Mixed signals usually aren’t intentional games. They’re often the result of uncertainty, misalignment, or uneven emotional availability. Confusion tends to show up when one person is more invested in understanding the connection than the other.
Trying to read interest through behavior alone can be exhausting. When you’re monitoring tone, timing, and effort instead of feeling secure, that’s usually a sign that clarity is missing. Clarity doesn’t always come from asking directly, but it does come from consistency.
It’s also worth noticing how much you’re adjusting yourself to avoid rejection. Holding back to stay safe may protect you short-term, but it also prevents genuine connection. Interest grows through presence, not self-editing.
If someone is interested but unsure, they usually still make space. They may move slowly, but they don’t leave you guessing indefinitely. Prolonged ambiguity often reflects someone who enjoys connection without committing to its direction.
Seeking clarity doesn’t mean demanding certainty. It means being honest about what you’re noticing and what you need to feel grounded. Avoiding that honesty keeps you stuck in interpretation instead of experience.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. Interest that requires constant decoding isn’t very steady. You shouldn’t have to shrink, guess, or self-monitor to feel connected. If you’re consistently unsure where you stand, that uncertainty is part of the answer. Clarity doesn’t have to be forced, but it shouldn’t be this hard to feel.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa: Letters From Men is written advice-style to explore emotional dynamics and common blind spots from a male perspective. It’s meant to offer clarity and reflection, not professional guidance or justification. You know your situation best.