Dear Tessa,
I keep going back and forth about something that doesn’t feel right, but I can’t tell if I’m being perceptive or paranoid. There are moments that give me pause, things that make my stomach tighten just a little, but nothing feels big enough to clearly label as wrong. It’s subtle, easy to explain away, and hard to point to without feeling dramatic. I don’t know if what I’m noticing is a red flag or just my own fear getting louder.
Part of the problem is that I’ve learned how to rationalize almost anything. I tell myself everyone has flaws, everyone has off days, everyone deserves grace. I remind myself not to project past experiences onto the present. I try to be fair, patient, and understanding. And sometimes I wonder if I’ve taken those qualities so far that I’ve stopped trusting myself altogether.
What makes it harder is that there are also good moments. Times when things feel easy, connected, or promising. Those moments make me question the uneasy ones. I tell myself that if something were truly wrong, it would be obvious. It would be louder. It would be undeniable. Instead, it’s this quiet internal tug that keeps asking me to pay attention.
I’ve been here before, though. I remember noticing small things early on and brushing them off because I didn’t want to overreact. I didn’t want to seem judgmental or guarded. I wanted to believe that patience and communication would smooth everything out. Looking back, those small moments weren’t insignificant. They were patterns forming before I was ready to see them.
Still, I don’t want to jump to conclusions. I don’t want to sabotage something that could be healthy just because I’m afraid. I don’t want to mistake discomfort for danger or intuition for anxiety. I just want to understand what I’m seeing without invalidating myself in the process.
So how do you know when something is a red flag and not just a yellow light? How do you trust your instincts without letting fear take the wheel? And how do you stop second-guessing yourself every time something doesn’t feel perfectly clear?
Signed:
A woman learning to trust her gut
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Most red flags don’t show up waving dramatically in the beginning. They show up quietly, in moments that make you pause and feel unsure how to respond. They’re often subtle enough to explain away, especially if you value understanding, empathy, and giving people the benefit of the doubt. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong for noticing them. It means you’re paying attention.
Intuition doesn’t usually speak in absolutes. It speaks in patterns, repetition, and emotional response. If something consistently makes you feel uneasy, confused, or smaller, that’s worth acknowledging. Anxiety tends to spiral and catastrophize, jumping far ahead of the present moment. Intuition stays grounded in what’s happening now and how it affects you. One creates noise. The other creates clarity, even if that clarity feels uncomfortable.
It’s important to remember that noticing a red flag doesn’t require you to make an immediate decision. Awareness comes before action. You don’t have to label someone as bad or unsafe to honor your own experience. Sometimes the flag isn’t about who the other person is, but about what you’re willing or unwilling to tolerate moving forward.
A lot of women are conditioned to override their instincts in favor of being reasonable, flexible, or low-maintenance. Over time, this can make you doubt your own perception. You start asking for proof instead of permission to feel uneasy. But your nervous system doesn’t need evidence to react. It responds to consistency, tone, and emotional impact.
The goal isn’t to find reasons to leave at the first sign of discomfort. The goal is to stay honest with yourself about what you’re noticing. Patterns matter more than isolated incidents. How someone responds when you express concern often tells you more than the concern itself. Do they listen, take responsibility, and adjust, or do they deflect, minimize, or make you feel foolish for bringing it up?
You don’t need to have everything figured out to trust yourself. Paying attention is not the same as overreacting. It’s self-respect in its earliest form.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. Red flags aren’t always deal breakers, but ignoring them is. You don’t need certainty to honor discomfort, and you don’t need permission to pause when something feels off. Trust builds clarity over time, but intuition asks to be listened to in real time. If you keep feeling the need to talk yourself out of what you’re noticing, that’s information. Trusting yourself doesn’t mean assuming the worst. It means refusing to ignore what your body and instincts are trying to tell you.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa is written woman-to-woman — honest, imperfect, and human. It’s meant to offer comfort, clarity, and perspective, not professional guidance. You know your life best.