I Don’t Want to Be That Guy

Dear Tessa,

I don’t want to be that guy, and the fear of becoming him has me second-guessing everything. I don’t want to be the one who breadcrumbs, who keeps someone close without offering clarity. I don’t want to be emotionally unavailable while still benefiting from attention. I don’t want to take more than I give.

I catch myself monitoring my behavior, trying to make sure I’m doing the right thing. I hesitate before sending messages. I overthink what my actions might imply. I don’t want to accidentally hurt someone by being careless, but I also don’t always know what the “right” level of effort is supposed to look like.

Sometimes I worry that my uncertainty itself is the problem. That by staying undecided, I’m already doing the thing I don’t want to do. I tell myself I’m just being honest about where I’m at, but honesty without direction can still leave someone feeling strung along.

What complicates it is that I don’t feel malicious. I’m not trying to manipulate or mislead. I’m just unsure. I want connection, but I don’t want responsibility I’m not ready to carry. And I don’t know how to balance those two without becoming the version of myself I’m trying to avoid.

I don’t want to be remembered as someone who wasted her time or made her question her worth. I don’t want to hide behind good intentions if the impact tells a different story. I just don’t know how to move forward without either committing to more than I can offer or pulling away completely.

I want to be better than that guy. I just don’t always know what better looks like in real time.

So how do you avoid becoming someone who causes harm through indecision? And how do you show care without offering more than you’re able to sustain?

Signed:
A guy trying not to repeat old patterns

Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject

Not wanting to be “that guy” shows awareness, but awareness alone doesn’t prevent impact. Harm doesn’t only come from bad intentions. It often comes from hesitation, ambiguity, and a lack of follow-through.

Uncertainty is human. Staying unclear while continuing to engage is where things get complicated. When you want connection but aren’t ready for responsibility, it’s important to communicate that honestly and consistently, not just internally.

Good intentions don’t cancel out emotional consequences. If someone is left guessing, waiting, or investing without clarity, the experience can still feel destabilizing, even if you never meant for it to be that way.

Being better doesn’t require perfection. It requires alignment between what you say, what you do, and what you’re actually available for. When those three are out of sync, people get hurt in the gaps.

Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do is limit access until your intentions and capacity are clearer. That protects both you and the other person from unnecessary confusion.

Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective

Here’s the truth. You don’t become “that guy” because you’re unsure. You become him when you stay unsure while continuing to take up space in someone’s life. Care without clarity still causes damage. If you don’t want to be that guy, let your availability match your honesty. Anything else leaves someone else paying the cost of your indecision.

Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa: Letters From Men is written advice-style to explore emotional dynamics and common blind spots from a male perspective. It’s meant to offer clarity and reflection, not professional guidance or justification. You know your situation best.