Dear Tessa,
Lately I’ve been trying to figure out when happiness started feeling so complicated. I thought being happy would feel lighter, clearer, more settled. Instead, I feel confused most of the time. I smile, I function, I show up, but underneath it all there’s this constant sense of uncertainty that won’t go away. I don’t feel miserable, but I don’t feel genuinely happy either. I feel suspended somewhere in between, and I don’t know what that means.
On paper, things don’t look bad. I have reasons to be grateful, moments that are fine, even good. That’s part of what makes this so hard to talk about. I feel like I should be content, like wanting more clarity or joy makes me unappreciative. So I tell myself to push through it, to focus on the positives, to stop overthinking. But the confusion keeps showing up, quietly reminding me that something doesn’t feel right.
What confuses me the most is that I can’t point to one specific thing that’s wrong. It’s not a dramatic unhappiness. It’s more like a constant mental tug of war. One part of me wants to believe this is just a phase, that happiness doesn’t always feel exciting or obvious. Another part of me wonders if I’ve been settling for something that feels safe but uninspiring. I don’t know if I’m growing through discomfort or ignoring my intuition because it’s inconvenient.
I keep asking myself if happiness is supposed to feel calm or if it’s supposed to feel clear. Right now, it feels like neither. I feel unsure about what I want, unsure about what I need, unsure about whether I’m moving in the right direction. And that uncertainty is exhausting. It makes even small decisions feel heavy because I don’t trust myself the way I used to.
What scares me is the idea that I’ve confused peace with numbness. That I’ve accepted confusion as normal because it’s easier than admitting I might want something different. I don’t want to chase constant excitement or unrealistic happiness, but I also don’t want to live in a state of quiet doubt, telling myself this is as good as it gets.
I just want to understand what this feeling means. Is confusion part of growth, or is it a sign that I’m not being honest with myself? How do you know when happiness is just quieter than you expected versus when it’s missing altogether?
Signed:
A woman trying to understand her own heart
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Confusion often gets mislabeled as something negative, but it’s usually information. It shows up when your inner world is changing faster than your outer life. When who you are becoming no longer matches what you’re accepting, confusion fills the gap. It’s not a failure to be grateful or mature. It’s your awareness catching up to your reality.
Happiness doesn’t always feel loud or euphoric, but it also shouldn’t feel constantly uncertain. There’s a difference between calm contentment and emotional fog. Calm still feels grounded. Fog feels disorienting. When happiness is present, even in quieter seasons, there’s usually a sense of inner alignment. When confusion dominates, it’s often because you’re living slightly out of sync with yourself.
A lot of women learn to tolerate confusion because it feels safer than disruption. Confusion allows you to stay put without fully committing to change. It gives you room to rationalize staying where you are while ignoring the discomfort that’s trying to tell you something important. Over time, that confusion can start to feel normal, even familiar, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
It’s also important to acknowledge how often women are taught to override their own feelings. You’re encouraged to be flexible, patient, and understanding, even when your emotional experience doesn’t match the narrative of how things are supposed to feel. So instead of asking what’s wrong, you start asking what’s wrong with you. That shift is subtle, but it keeps you disconnected from your intuition.
Confusion doesn’t mean you need all the answers right now. It doesn’t automatically mean something is broken or that you need to make an immediate change. But it does mean you should pause and listen. Growth often brings uncertainty, but growth still moves you toward yourself. If confusion is pulling you further away from clarity, confidence, or self-trust, it deserves your attention.
You don’t need to force happiness into existence or pressure yourself to feel grateful enough for confusion to disappear. Sometimes clarity comes from allowing yourself to admit that something feels off without demanding an instant solution. Confusion often settles once you stop arguing with it and start getting curious about what it’s pointing toward.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the grounded truth. Happiness may ebb and flow, but it shouldn’t leave you consistently disconnected from yourself. When confusion outweighs joy for too long, it’s usually a sign that you’re not fully aligned with what you want or need anymore. You don’t have to label that as failure or dissatisfaction. It’s awareness. Happiness doesn’t require certainty, but it does require honesty. And the more willing you are to listen to your confusion instead of silencing it, the closer you get to a version of happiness that actually feels like yours.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa is written woman-to-woman — honest, imperfect, and human. It’s meant to offer comfort, clarity, and perspective, not professional guidance. You know your life best.