Dear Tessa,
Lately, I feel drained instead of secure, and that realization has been hard to sit with. I thought connection was supposed to feel grounding, like something that steadies you rather than depletes you. But instead of feeling supported or at ease, I feel emotionally tired. Not in a dramatic way, just a constant low-level exhaustion that doesn’t go away.
I notice how much energy I spend managing my feelings, anticipating reactions, and trying to keep things balanced. I don’t fully relax. I stay alert. I think ahead. I prepare myself for conversations before they even happen. And afterward, I often feel like I need space just to recover from the interaction.
What confuses me is that I keep telling myself this is normal. That relationships take work. That emotional investment naturally comes with effort. But when I compare this to times I’ve felt truly secure, it doesn’t feel the same. Security felt calming. It didn’t require this much emotional vigilance. It didn’t leave me questioning myself afterward.
I don’t feel unsafe, exactly. I just don’t feel settled. I feel like I’m constantly adjusting, checking in, and recalibrating. I worry about saying the wrong thing or asking for too much. I wonder if I’m being too sensitive or expecting something unrealistic. And that constant self-monitoring is wearing me down.
I’m starting to question whether this connection is giving me stability or just something to focus on. Whether the energy I’m spending is building something mutual or simply keeping things afloat. I don’t want to confuse intensity with intimacy or emotional effort with emotional safety.
I want to feel secure in a way that doesn’t cost me my peace. I want connection to feel supportive, not like something I have to recover from. I just don’t know how to name this without feeling like I’m asking for too much.
So how do you tell when a connection is draining you instead of grounding you? And how do you honor that truth without minimizing your experience or forcing yourself to keep going out of habit?
Signed:
A woman longing for ease
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Feeling drained is often a sign that your nervous system doesn’t feel settled, even if your mind is trying to rationalize the situation. Emotional security doesn’t eliminate effort, but it does reduce tension. When you feel secure, you’re not constantly bracing for shifts or questioning where you stand.
Draining connections usually require you to stay alert. You’re managing tone, timing, and emotional fallout instead of simply being present. Over time, that kind of engagement wears you down, not because you’re weak, but because it’s unsustainable. Security allows your body to rest. Drain keeps it on edge.
Many women confuse effort with depth. You assume that if something requires a lot of emotional work, it must matter deeply. But real security doesn’t require constant maintenance. It’s built through consistency, reliability, and mutual care. When those things are present, effort feels shared, not heavy.
It’s also important to notice how you feel after interactions. Do you feel calmer, clearer, and more connected, or do you feel depleted and unsure? Your body often gives you honest feedback long before your mind is ready to accept it.
You’re allowed to want connection that restores you. Wanting ease doesn’t mean you’re avoiding depth or growth. It means you’re paying attention to what actually supports your well-being.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. Security doesn’t drain you. It steadies you. If a connection consistently leaves you feeling tired, anxious, or emotionally depleted, that matters. You’re not asking for too much by wanting peace. You’re asking for something that allows you to breathe. Connection should not feel like survival. It should feel like support.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa is written woman-to-woman — honest, imperfect, and human. It’s meant to offer comfort, clarity, and perspective, not professional guidance. You know your life best.