Dear Tessa,
I feel guilty for wanting better, and I don’t know how to shake that feeling. Every time I acknowledge that something isn’t enough for me anymore, guilt shows up right behind it. I tell myself I should be grateful. That other people have it worse. That wanting more somehow means I’m overlooking what I already have.
I didn’t grow up believing I was entitled to better. I learned to make do, to adjust, to be appreciative of what was offered instead of asking for what I actually needed. Wanting better feels like a betrayal of those lessons. It feels like I’m rejecting something I was supposed to be thankful for.
What makes the guilt heavier is that nothing is outright terrible. No one is intentionally hurting me. No situation is falling apart. That makes my desire for better feel unjustified, like I’m creating a problem where there isn’t one. I keep wondering if I’m being too picky, too idealistic, or too influenced by some unrealistic version of how life or relationships should feel.
Sometimes I worry that wanting better means I’m never going to be satisfied. That I’ll always be reaching for something else instead of appreciating what’s right in front of me. I don’t want to become someone who’s always chasing more. I just want to feel aligned, fulfilled, and at peace with where I am.
I also notice how often I minimize my own desires to protect other people’s feelings. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or hurtful. I don’t want to make anyone feel like they’re not enough. So I stay quiet, even when something inside me knows I’ve outgrown what I’m holding onto.
I don’t want to live my life apologizing for wanting a fuller version of it. But I don’t know how to separate guilt from growth. I don’t know how to want better without feeling like I’m doing something wrong.
So how do you stop feeling guilty for wanting more alignment, more effort, more fulfillment? How do you honor your desire for better without turning it into shame?
Signed:
A woman unlearning guilt
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Guilt often shows up when you’re stepping outside of old survival patterns. Wanting better doesn’t suddenly make you ungrateful. It means your awareness has expanded. You can appreciate what once supported you while also acknowledging that it no longer fits who you are now.
Many women were taught that gratitude and desire can’t coexist. That if you want more, it must mean you’re dissatisfied or entitled. But growth doesn’t cancel gratitude. It builds on it. The version of you who accepted less did so because she needed to, not because it was the best you could ever want.
Guilt also tends to protect familiarity. As long as you feel guilty, you stay anchored to what’s known. Letting go of guilt often requires letting go of the belief that your worth is tied to how little you ask for. Wanting better isn’t a rejection of others. It’s an acknowledgment of yourself.
It’s important to separate guilt from responsibility. You are not responsible for maintaining situations that limit you simply because they’re comfortable or familiar. You’re allowed to change your standards as you grow. You’re allowed to want a life that feels more aligned with who you are now, not who you used to be.
You don’t need a dramatic reason to want better. Discomfort doesn’t have to be extreme to be valid. If something consistently leaves you feeling unsatisfied, small, or disconnected, that matters. Wanting better is often a sign that you’re listening to yourself instead of overriding your needs.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. Wanting better does not make you ungrateful. It makes you honest. Guilt is not a signal to stay small. It’s a signal that you’re outgrowing something familiar. You don’t owe your past loyalty at the expense of your future. Wanting better is not a failure of appreciation. It’s an act of self-respect.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa is written woman-to-woman — honest, imperfect, and human. It’s meant to offer comfort, clarity, and perspective, not professional guidance. You know your life best.