Dear Tessa,
I feel like I’m making it work alone, and I don’t know when that became the case. I didn’t notice it at first because I told myself relationships aren’t always perfectly balanced. Sometimes one person leans more. Sometimes effort shifts back and forth. I assumed this was just one of those phases.
But lately, it feels heavier than that. I’m the one initiating conversations, suggesting plans, checking in, trying to keep momentum alive. When I stop, things go quiet. Not dramatically. Just… empty. And that’s when it hits me that if I’m not pushing, nothing moves.
I keep asking myself if this is just how connection works sometimes, or if I’m compensating for something that isn’t being offered on the other side. I don’t want to be transactional. I don’t want to keep score. But it’s hard not to notice when effort feels one-directional.
What’s confusing is that I don’t feel completely unwanted. There’s response. There’s engagement. But it’s reactive, not initiating. I feel welcomed when I show up, but not pursued when I don’t. And that difference is starting to matter more than I expected.
I also worry about what this says about me. Am I choosing situations where I have to over-function? Am I trying to earn something that should be mutual? I don’t want to pressure anyone into effort, but I also don’t want to keep carrying something that’s supposed to be shared.
Part of me wonders if I should pull back and see what happens. Another part of me worries that pulling back would just confirm what I already feel. Either way, I’m tired of being the only one holding things together.
I don’t want to force connection. I just want to feel like someone else is invested in making it work, too.
So how do you tell when effort is temporarily uneven versus fundamentally one-sided? And how do you stop carrying the weight without letting everything collapse?
Signed:
A guy who’s tired of holding it together
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Effort doesn’t need to be perfectly equal, but it does need to be mutual. When one person consistently initiates, sustains, and repairs, the dynamic shifts from partnership to maintenance. That shift is subtle, but it’s felt.
Making it work alone often starts with good intentions. You care. You’re willing. You believe things will balance out. But over time, carrying the connection becomes a role instead of a choice. When effort is only activated by your presence, that’s information.
Reactive engagement isn’t the same as investment. Being welcomed isn’t the same as being chosen. If someone only shows up when prompted, they’re participating in the connection, but not building it.
Pulling back isn’t a test. It’s a boundary. It gives you clarity about whether effort exists without your constant input. If things collapse the moment you stop holding them, they were being held together by you, not by mutual commitment.
You’re not wrong for noticing imbalance. Awareness doesn’t mean you need to fix it. Sometimes it simply asks you to stop compensating.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. A connection that only works when you’re doing the work isn’t a shared effort. You’re not meant to be the engine, the glue, and the momentum all at once. If you step back and everything falls apart, you didn’t break it. You revealed how much of it was already resting on you.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa: Letters From Men is written advice-style to explore emotional dynamics and common blind spots from a male perspective. It’s meant to offer clarity and reflection, not professional guidance or justification. You know your situation best.