Dear Tessa,
Lately, I feel like I’m constantly explaining myself, and it’s exhausting. I explain my tone, my intentions, my reactions, my needs. I explain why something hurt me, why I feel the way I do, why I’m not trying to start a problem. I explain so much that by the end of it, I barely remember what I was asking for in the first place.
I don’t think I’m asking for anything unreasonable, but the way I keep having to justify myself makes me feel like I am. I walk into conversations already prepared to defend my feelings. I soften my language before anyone responds. I over-clarify because I’m afraid of being misunderstood, or worse, dismissed. Somewhere along the way, explaining myself became a reflex instead of a choice.
What’s confusing is that I don’t feel dramatic or irrational when I’m alone. My feelings make sense to me. It’s only when I share them that they suddenly feel like too much. I start questioning whether I communicated poorly, whether I should have said less, whether I’m asking for things in the wrong way. I replay conversations afterward, wondering how I could have explained myself better, as if clarity alone would change the outcome.
I’m tired of feeling like my emotions need footnotes. I don’t want every concern to turn into a presentation or every boundary to require a backstory. I want to feel understood without having to overextend myself emotionally just to be taken seriously. And yet, I keep explaining, hoping that this time it will land, this time it will be enough.
Part of me wonders if I’m doing too much. Another part of me wonders if I’m doing it with the wrong people. I don’t want to stop communicating honestly, but I also don’t want to feel like my feelings only matter if I can justify them perfectly. I’m starting to feel drained, not by the conversations themselves, but by how hard I’m working just to be heard.
So I need to know. How do you tell the difference between healthy communication and over-explaining? And how do you stop carrying the responsibility of being understood by people who don’t seem interested in understanding you?
Signed:
A woman tired of explaining herself
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Over-explaining usually isn’t about poor communication. It’s about emotional safety. People tend to over-explain when they don’t feel secure that their feelings will be received with care. When you’ve experienced dismissal, defensiveness, or being misunderstood repeatedly, your nervous system learns to compensate by offering more context, more clarity, and more justification.
The truth is, you don’t over-explain because you lack confidence. You over-explain because you’re trying to prevent conflict, rejection, or invalidation. You’re trying to make your feelings easier to accept. But the more you explain to people who aren’t listening, the more you end up feeling invisible rather than understood.
Healthy communication doesn’t require you to convince someone that your feelings are valid. It assumes they are. When someone is open and emotionally available, they don’t need a detailed explanation to show care. They may ask questions, but they aren’t waiting for you to prove your right to feel the way you do. If you consistently feel like your emotions are being put on trial, that’s not a communication issue. That’s a relational one.
It’s also worth noticing how often over-explaining turns into self-abandonment. You start prioritizing how your feelings land over whether they’re honored. You edit, soften, and reframe until your original point gets lost. Over time, this creates resentment, not connection, because you’re doing all the emotional labor while calling it clarity.
You are allowed to express yourself without providing a full explanation every time. You’re allowed to state what you feel without managing someone else’s comfort around it. If someone needs endless clarification to acknowledge your experience, they may not be engaging in good faith.
Sometimes the most honest communication is simple. It’s naming how you feel and letting the response tell you what you need to know. You don’t owe anyone emotional essays to justify your boundaries, needs, or reactions.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. When you feel safe, you don’t over-explain. You speak, and you trust that you’ll be met with care. If you constantly feel the need to justify yourself, it’s worth asking who you’re explaining yourself to and why. Clarity matters, but so does mutual effort. You’re not responsible for doing all the work to be understood. The right people won’t require you to exhaust yourself just to feel heard.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa is written woman-to-woman — honest, imperfect, and human. It’s meant to offer comfort, clarity, and perspective, not professional guidance. You know your life best.