Dear Tessa,
Lately, I feel like I’m shrinking, and I don’t know exactly when it started. It’s not something anyone else would probably notice. On the outside, I’m still functioning, still showing up, still doing what I need to do. But internally, I feel quieter, smaller, more careful than I used to be. I don’t take up space the way I once did, and I’m not sure when that became my default.
I notice it in the way I speak. I soften my opinions before I share them. I hesitate before expressing how I really feel. I choose my words carefully, not because I want to be thoughtful, but because I don’t want to cause discomfort. I catch myself minimizing my needs or brushing off things that matter to me, just to keep things smooth.
What hurts is that I didn’t decide to shrink on purpose. It happened gradually. A little compromise here. A little silence there. Each time it felt reasonable. Each time I told myself it wasn’t a big deal. But over time, those small moments added up, and now I feel disconnected from the version of myself who used to feel more confident, more expressive, more alive.
I tell myself that this is maturity. That being adaptable and understanding is part of growing up. But deep down, it doesn’t feel like growth. It feels like restraint. It feels like I’m editing myself to fit into spaces that don’t fully welcome who I am. And the more I do it, the harder it becomes to remember what it felt like to show up without hesitation.
I don’t want to be loud or overpowering. I don’t need to dominate conversations or demand attention. I just want to feel like I’m allowed to exist fully, without constantly assessing whether my presence is too much. I want to feel safe being myself again, without bracing for pushback or withdrawal.
I’m scared that if I keep shrinking, I’ll lose touch with myself entirely. That I’ll look back and realize I traded pieces of who I am for the illusion of peace. I don’t want to resent anyone, and I don’t want to blame myself either. I just want to understand why this is happening and how to stop it before I disappear into a version of myself I don’t recognize.
So tell me, Tessa. How do you know when you’re growing versus when you’re shrinking? And how do you start taking up space again when you’ve spent so long making yourself smaller?
Signed:
A woman who misses herself
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Shrinking doesn’t happen because you lack confidence or strength. It happens because you’re adapting to environments where being fully yourself doesn’t feel safe. Over time, your nervous system learns that taking up less space reduces friction, conflict, or disappointment. What starts as self-protection slowly turns into self-erasure.
Many women confuse shrinking with maturity because both can look calm on the surface. But growth expands you, even when it challenges you. Shrinking compresses you. It asks you to withhold parts of yourself in order to maintain connection. If you’re constantly editing your thoughts, emotions, or needs to keep the peace, that’s not balance. That’s survival.
It’s also important to notice who benefits from you being smaller. When you shrink, other people don’t have to stretch. They don’t have to engage deeply, communicate clearly, or make room for your experience. That doesn’t make them bad, but it does reveal a dynamic that isn’t sustainable if you want to stay connected to yourself.
Reclaiming space doesn’t mean swinging to the opposite extreme. It doesn’t mean becoming confrontational or rigid. It starts with small acts of honesty. Saying what you feel without immediately apologizing. Naming what you need without cushioning it. Letting discomfort exist instead of rushing to smooth it over. These moments may feel risky at first, but they are how you begin to re-expand.
Shrinking often continues because it feels safer than the uncertainty of being fully seen. But being unseen by others eventually turns into being unseen by yourself. And that disconnection costs more than the discomfort of taking up space again.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. You were never meant to earn belonging by becoming smaller. If your sense of peace depends on silencing parts of yourself, that peace isn’t real. Taking up space doesn’t make you difficult or demanding. It makes you honest. And the people who are meant to be in your life will not require you to shrink to stay connected to them.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa is written woman-to-woman — honest, imperfect, and human. It’s meant to offer comfort, clarity, and perspective, not professional guidance. You know your life best.