Dear Tessa,
Lately, I feel like I’m always waiting. Waiting for follow-through, waiting for consistency, waiting for someone to show me through action what they keep saying with words. I tell myself to be patient, to give things time, to trust that effort will come eventually. But the waiting is starting to feel heavy, like I’m putting my life on pause while hoping someone else will meet me halfway.
What makes it harder is that the effort isn’t completely absent. It shows up in small ways, just enough to keep me hopeful. A check-in here, a promise there, moments that feel sincere but don’t seem to last. I keep telling myself that progress counts, that not everyone shows up the same way, that I shouldn’t expect people to operate on my timeline. And yet, I can’t ignore how often I’m left filling in the gaps.
I don’t want to be demanding or impatient. I don’t expect perfection or constant attention. I just want consistency. I want to feel like effort isn’t something I have to wait for or wonder about. I want to feel chosen in ways that don’t require me to keep reminding someone what matters to me.
Sometimes I worry that waiting has become my role. That I’ve adjusted so much to what’s available that I’ve stopped asking whether this is actually enough for me. I tell myself that effort will come once things calm down, once life slows, once the timing is right. But the goalposts keep moving, and I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one standing still.
I don’t want to pressure anyone into showing up. I don’t want to beg for effort or turn connection into a negotiation. I just want to know if this waiting is part of a natural process or a sign that I’m hoping for something that isn’t going to change.
So how long do you wait before waiting turns into settling? How do you tell the difference between giving someone space to grow and making excuses for a lack of effort? And how do you stop waiting without feeling like you’re giving up too soon?
Signed:
A woman tired of waiting
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Waiting for effort often feels reasonable at first, especially if you care deeply and want to be understanding. But effort isn’t something that’s meant to be delayed indefinitely. When someone values you, effort shows up consistently, even if it looks imperfect. It doesn’t require endless reminders or constant patience on your part to exist.
One of the most confusing things about waiting is that it can feel active when it’s actually passive. You tell yourself you’re being supportive, flexible, and mature, but over time, waiting starts to cost you energy, clarity, and self-trust. You begin organizing your expectations around what might happen instead of responding to what’s actually happening.
Effort isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about reliability. It’s about someone showing you, through repeated actions, that you matter and that the connection is a priority. When effort is real, it doesn’t leave you guessing. You don’t have to monitor it or manage it. You feel it.
A lot of women wait because they believe effort will come once circumstances change. Once things settle down. Once someone heals. Once they’re more ready. But effort doesn’t usually arrive after the fact. It shows up alongside intention. If someone has the desire to show up for you, they will find ways to do so within their current reality.
Waiting becomes unhealthy when it requires you to suppress your needs or lower your expectations to stay hopeful. When you start explaining away the absence of effort more than you’re experiencing it, that’s a sign worth paying attention to. Hope is powerful, but it shouldn’t require self-denial to survive.
You’re not wrong for wanting effort. You’re not asking for too much by expecting consistency. What matters is whether the waiting is temporary and mutual, or one-sided and indefinite.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. Effort isn’t something you should have to wait for long-term. If you feel like you’re constantly holding space for effort that hasn’t arrived, that’s information. You don’t need to pressure someone to show up, but you also don’t need to keep waiting for proof that may never come. Being patient should not mean putting your needs on hold indefinitely. Effort that matters shows itself without having to be chased.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa is written woman-to-woman — honest, imperfect, and human. It’s meant to offer comfort, clarity, and perspective, not professional guidance. You know your life best.