Dear Tessa,
I don’t know if I’m asking for too much, or if I’ve just been surrounded by people who give too little. Lately, I find myself replaying conversations in my head, wondering if I said too much, wanted too much, or expected more than I should have. I soften my tone before I speak, rehearse my needs like they’re a risky confession, and remind myself not to be dramatic, needy, or difficult. Somewhere along the way, I learned that wanting clarity or consistency made me “a lot,” and I’ve been trying not to be that ever since.
But when I’m honest with myself, what I’m asking for doesn’t feel unreasonable. I want consistency that doesn’t disappear when things get uncomfortable. I want effort that doesn’t feel optional. I want honesty that doesn’t require me to read between the lines or guess where I stand. I want to feel considered, not like I’m only important when it’s convenient. None of that feels extreme though it just feels human.
Over time, I learned how to shrink myself to keep the peace. I learned how to compromise before anyone even asked me to, how to quiet my disappointment, and how to accept crumbs while convincing myself it was patience. I stayed quiet when something hurt me because I didn’t want to be labeled difficult. I told myself that if I just loved harder, waited longer, or explained myself better, eventually someone would meet me where I was. Instead, I kept meeting people where they were, even when it cost me pieces of myself.
Now I’m here, questioning myself again. I’m wondering if my standards are unrealistic, if my expectations are unfair, and if asking for reassurance, effort, and emotional presence is somehow asking for too much. I don’t want perfection or grand gestures. I don’t need constant attention. I just want to feel safe expressing my needs without feeling guilty for having them in the first place.
So tell me, Tessa, am I really asking for too much? Or have I just been asking the wrong people?
— Signed:
A woman who’s tired of second-guessing herself
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
I want to answer this carefully, because this question usually comes from someone who has spent a long time questioning herself instead of questioning the situation. You are not asking for too much. What you’re asking for feels heavy only because you’ve been carrying relationships where you were expected to give more than you received. Wanting consistency, effort, and emotional presence isn’t demanding, it’s basic. It only feels like “too much” when the other person benefits from giving you less.
People like you, ya know, the accommodating, emotionally aware, thoughtful ones often end up doubting themselves because their ability to adapt becomes an invitation for others to underperform. Not because you deserve it, but because you make it easy to avoid accountability. You didn’t wake up one day and decide to question your needs. That doubt was taught, reinforced every time your feelings were minimized, your concerns were brushed off, or you were made to feel dramatic for wanting clarity.
Here’s the part that’s hard to sit with: explaining yourself better won’t make the wrong people rise to the occasion. You can communicate clearly, lovingly, and patiently, and someone who is committed to comfort, avoidance, or half-effort will still struggle to meet you where you are. That isn’t a reflection of your standards being too high, it’s a reflection of misalignment.
And about the shrinking because I know that pattern well, you didn’t shrink because you lacked confidence. You shrank because you were trying to keep peace, trying to be lovable, trying to make yourself easier to stay with. But love that requires you to abandon yourself to maintain it isn’t love; it’s survival. When you start asking for more, people who were comfortable with you asking for less will feel unsettled. They may accuse you of changing. They may say you’re asking for too much now. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong but it means your standards are finally doing what they’re meant to do.
Someone who genuinely cares about you will not make you feel like your needs are an inconvenience. They may not get it right every time, and they may need time to grow, but they will try. They will listen. They will make adjustments because your comfort matters to them. The right people don’t ask you to disappear so they can stay comfortable. They meet you where you are without making you feel guilty for being there.
So no, you’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for alignment, and alignment always exposes what was never really in sync to begin with.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth most women don’t get told until they’ve already spent years doubting themselves: when something consistently feels like too much to the people around you, it’s often because it requires them to show up in ways they’re not willing to. Your needs didn’t suddenly become unreasonable babe your awareness just grew. Wanting clarity, effort, and emotional presence isn’t asking for perfection; it’s asking for respect. And respect should never feel like an overreach.
If you find yourself constantly editing your expectations to keep someone comfortable, that’s not compromise love, that’s self-abandonment. The right people won’t make you question whether your needs are allowed. They may not meet every need perfectly, but they won’t punish you for having them. When you stop asking if you’re “too much,” you usually start seeing who was never enough for you in the first place.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa is written woman-to-woman, honest, imperfect, and human. It’s meant to offer comfort, clarity, and perspective, not professional guidance. You know your life best.
