Dear Tessa, How Do I Stop Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Choose Me?

Dear Tessa,
How do I stop loving someone who doesn’t choose me? No matter what I do to move on, the feelings just won’t go away. I know I deserve better, but my heart keeps holding on to someone who clearly isn’t holding on to me.
— Still Loving, Still Hurting

Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective

I’m going to tell you the truth the soft way first and then the real way.

Soft version: You don’t stop loving him overnight. You stop loving him by choosing you a little more each day than you choose the fantasy of him.

Now the real version: You’re not in love with the man babe, you’re in love with the idea of what he could be if he chose you.

And that “if” is what’s breaking your heart.

It’s not the rejection.
It’s the potential.
It’s the almost.
It’s the version of him that existed in your mind but never in reality.

You’re grieving a story you wrote together that he never showed up to act in.

Here’s the painful truth you need to hold onto:
If he wanted to choose you, you’d know.
And if he hasn’t, stop trying to translate silence into mixed signals.

You stop loving someone who doesn’t choose you by finally believing yourself when you say,
“I deserve someone who does.”

Because right now?
You’re fighting for the relationship you felt, not the one you had.
You’re loyal to the connection you imagined, not the one he offered.
You’re holding onto memories instead of lessons.

It’s okay to miss him.
It’s okay to still feel something.
It’s okay that your heart hasn’t caught up to what your mind already knows.

But here’s where the healing begins:

Stop asking why he didn’t choose you. Start asking why you kept choosing him.

Ask yourself why his crumbs felt like a meal.
Ask yourself why his inconsistencies felt like passion.
Ask yourself why his bare minimum felt like possibility.

Because the moment you face those truths is the moment you stop romanticizing him.

You stop loving someone who doesn’t choose you by choosing yourself every time the urge to reach out hits.
You stop by blocking the fantasy, not the person.
You stop by reminding yourself that you were never hard to love, he was simply unequipped.

Love isn’t supposed to feel like begging.
Love isn’t supposed to feel like waiting in the lobby of someone’s potential.
Love isn’t supposed to feel like auditioning for a role you’re overqualified for.

The right man won’t need convincing.
The right man won’t confuse you.
The right man won’t take his time choosing you.

When a man is meant for you, he won’t make you pry clarity out of him, he’ll offer it willingly.

So how do you stop loving someone who didn’t choose you?

You accept that he wasn’t meant to.
You understand that God removes what you won’t.
You realize your heart will ache for a bit, but your soul will breathe again.

Let him go, babe.
You’re not losing love babe you’re leaving a place where it couldn’t grow.

Final Thought: Tessa’s Empowering Takeaway

You don’t lose power when someone doesn’t choose you, you regain it when you finally choose yourself. Release the version of him you created in your mind, and your heart will follow. The love you deserve won’t make you question your worth.

Disclaimer: Shared with love, not judgment.