Dear Tessa,
I don’t want to push her away, and that fear is starting to shape how I show up. I hold back more than I want to. I soften things I’d normally say. I delay conversations that feel important because I don’t want to overwhelm her or make things heavier than they already are.
I tell myself I’m being considerate. That giving space is respectful. That letting things breathe is better than pressing for clarity. But sometimes I’m not sure if I’m giving space or just avoiding discomfort. I don’t want to be the reason things fall apart, so I move carefully, even when that caution feels limiting.
What I struggle with is knowing where the line is. I don’t want to be distant, but I don’t want to be too much. I don’t want to disappear, but I also don’t want to crowd her. I end up monitoring myself constantly, trying to land in the middle without really knowing where that middle is.
I notice how often I wait for her cues before fully engaging. If she leans in, I follow. If she pulls back, I retreat. It feels safer to mirror her than to risk leading. But that also means I’m rarely acting from my own clarity. I’m reacting instead of choosing.
I worry that being honest about what I want might scare her off. That expressing interest or asking questions will change how she sees me. So instead of risking rejection, I keep things neutral and hope that patience will do the work for me.
I don’t want to push her away, but I’m starting to wonder if holding myself back is actually creating the distance I’m trying to avoid. I don’t know how to show up authentically without risking the connection.
So how do you stay honest without pushing someone away? And how do you know when holding back is protecting the connection versus slowly eroding it?
Signed:
A guy afraid of getting it wrong
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Fear of pushing someone away often leads to self-silencing. You convince yourself that restraint is care, but connection can’t grow where honesty is withheld. Avoiding discomfort may keep things calm on the surface, but it also prevents depth from forming underneath.
When you constantly adjust to someone else’s cues, you lose touch with your own. Mirroring feels safe, but it also removes your agency. Healthy connection allows room for initiative, curiosity, and expression without constant self-monitoring.
Holding back doesn’t guarantee safety. In fact, it can create the very distance you’re trying to prevent. When interest, intention, or concern goes unspoken, the other person is left to guess. And guessing often feels less secure than honesty, even when honesty is imperfect.
You don’t have to overwhelm someone to be clear. Expression doesn’t have to be intense to be meaningful. Calm, direct communication often creates more stability than quiet restraint ever could.
If you’re afraid that being yourself will push someone away, it’s worth asking whether the connection feels safe for you, too. Mutual safety matters.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. You don’t push someone away by being honest. You push them away by being unclear. If a connection can only survive when you suppress yourself, it isn’t built on safety. Showing up authentically isn’t pressure. It’s participation. And the right connection won’t require you to disappear to keep it.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa: Letters From Men is written advice-style to explore emotional dynamics and common blind spots from a male perspective. It’s meant to offer clarity and reflection, not professional guidance or justification. You know your situation best.
