Dear Tessa,
She feels distant all of a sudden, and I don’t know what changed. From my perspective, nothing dramatic happened. We didn’t argue. There wasn’t a clear moment where things went wrong. But the way she shows up now feels different. Less engaged. Less available. Like something shifted without explanation.
I keep trying to figure out if I missed something. I replay conversations, wondering if I said the wrong thing or failed to say something important. I didn’t intend to pull away, and I don’t think she did either. It just feels like there’s more space between us than there used to be.
I’ve always believed that if something is wrong, it should be talked about directly. So when she didn’t bring anything up, I assumed everything was fine. I don’t like to push or probe when there isn’t a clear issue. I’d rather let things settle on their own than risk creating tension that might not even exist.
Now I’m realizing that silence doesn’t always mean nothing’s wrong. It can mean someone stopped trying to explain how they feel. That thought makes me uncomfortable, because it suggests there were signs I didn’t notice or didn’t take seriously.
I don’t know if she’s processing something internally, losing interest, or protecting herself. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I also don’t want to ignore the distance and hope it resolves on its own. Pretending not to notice doesn’t feel honest anymore.
I’m unsure whether reaching out now would help or make things worse. I don’t want to pressure her, but I don’t want to stay passive either. I just want to understand what this distance means and whether there’s anything I can do about it.
So how do you tell when distance is temporary versus when it’s a sign someone is quietly stepping back? And how do you address it without making assumptions or causing more harm?
Signed:
A guy trying to understand the shift
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Distance rarely shows up without context. It often follows a period of effort that wasn’t fully met or clarity that never arrived. When someone pulls back quietly, it’s usually after they’ve already tried to bridge the gap internally.
Many women don’t withdraw the first time they feel unseen. They withdraw after adjusting, waiting, and hoping for change. By the time the distance becomes noticeable, the emotional work has often already been done on their end.
Silence isn’t always avoidance. Sometimes it’s self-protection. When expressing needs hasn’t led to change, people stop explaining. Distance becomes the boundary.
Addressing this requires curiosity rather than defensiveness. Asking what changed without assuming blame opens space for honesty. But that honesty has to be met with accountability, not reassurance alone.
Not all distance can be repaired. Sometimes it’s a sign that someone has already begun to detach. Understanding that doesn’t mean you failed. It means a pattern ran its course.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. Distance doesn’t usually come out of nowhere. It comes after someone got tired of leaning in alone. If you want to understand the shift, look at what wasn’t addressed before it happened. And if the distance is already settled, the most respectful response may be to learn from it rather than try to pull it back.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa: Letters From Men is written advice-style to explore emotional dynamics and common blind spots from a male perspective. It’s meant to offer clarity and reflection, not professional guidance or justification. You know your situation best.
