Dear Tessa,
I don’t want to look desperate, and that fear is shaping more of my behavior than I’d like to admit. I hold back messages. I wait longer than I want to respond. I pretend I’m less invested than I actually am, all because I don’t want to come off as needing something from her.
I’ve internalized the idea that interest has to be casual to be attractive. That caring too much too soon is a mistake. So I try to strike this careful balance between showing enough interest to stay relevant, but not so much that it feels obvious. It’s exhausting, and it doesn’t feel honest.
What’s confusing is that I do care. I just don’t want that care to be misread as pressure or insecurity. I don’t want to be the guy who overwhelms her or makes her feel like she has to respond a certain way. So I keep things light, even when I want to be clearer.
Sometimes I worry that if I show too much effort, I’ll lose leverage. That I’ll want it more than she does. And somehow that feels like losing. I don’t love that I think this way, but it’s there. I don’t want to give someone power over how I feel.
At the same time, holding back doesn’t feel good either. It feels like I’m constantly editing myself. I’m measuring how much I care instead of just letting myself care. I don’t want to confuse self-respect with emotional restraint, but lately they feel tangled together.
I don’t know how to show genuine interest without feeling exposed. I don’t know how to express care without worrying that it makes me look weak or desperate.
So how do you show interest without losing yourself? And how do you stop equating vulnerability with desperation?
Signed:
A guy trying to keep his dignity intact
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Fear of looking desperate often comes from believing that interest creates imbalance. That whoever cares more loses control. But connection isn’t a power struggle unless you make it one. Mutual interest doesn’t require emotional armor.
Holding back to protect your image can unintentionally create distance. When you consistently soften or delay your expression, the other person may read that as lack of interest, not composure. Clarity is often more grounding than restraint.
Vulnerability isn’t desperation. Desperation comes from ignoring boundaries or seeking validation at the expense of self-respect. Honest expression, paired with self-awareness, doesn’t cross that line. It simply communicates presence.
If you’re constantly monitoring how you’re perceived, you’re not actually participating in the connection. You’re managing it. That management can keep things surface-level, even when both people want more.
Showing interest doesn’t mean surrendering power. It means allowing the connection to be real instead of strategic.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. Caring doesn’t make you desperate. Pretending you don’t care makes connection fragile. If interest has to be hidden to feel safe, something about the dynamic isn’t grounded. Confidence isn’t about restraint. It’s about honesty without attachment to outcome.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa: Letters From Men is written advice-style to explore emotional dynamics and common blind spots from a male perspective. It’s meant to offer clarity and reflection, not professional guidance or justification. You know your situation best.
