Dear Tessa,
I don’t know how to explain this without sounding dramatic, but being around him makes me anxious. It’s not constant, and it’s not always obvious. Sometimes it’s just a tight feeling in my chest, a sense of being on edge, like I’m waiting for something to shift. Other times it’s more noticeable. I overthink what I say. I second-guess how I act. I leave interactions feeling unsettled instead of calm.
What confuses me is that nothing overtly bad is happening. He isn’t cruel. He isn’t yelling or crossing obvious lines. In some ways, he’s kind. That makes it harder to trust what I’m feeling. I tell myself that anxiety is my issue to manage, that I shouldn’t project it onto someone else. But the pattern keeps repeating. The more time I spend around him, the more aware I become of how tense I feel.
I notice how alert I am when we’re together. I watch his mood. I adjust my energy. I choose my words carefully. I don’t fully relax. And afterward, I replay everything in my head, wondering if I imagined the discomfort or if it was real. I can’t tell if I’m responding to something subtle or if I’m just afraid of getting hurt again.
I want to believe that anxiety is just something I need to work through. I don’t want to assume the worst or turn normal nerves into something bigger than they are. But I also don’t remember feeling this way around people who made me feel safe. That’s what keeps bothering me. The anxiety feels situational, not random.
I’m scared to trust this feeling because it raises questions I’m not ready to answer. If my body feels tense around him, what does that say about the connection? Am I picking up on something my mind hasn’t caught up to yet, or am I letting fear sabotage something that could be good?
I don’t want to ignore my intuition, but I don’t want to confuse anxiety with insight. I just want to understand why my nervous system feels like it’s on guard when I’m with someone who is supposed to feel comforting.
So how do you tell when anxiety is a sign to slow down and listen, versus something you need to work through on your own? And how do you honor your feelings without jumping to conclusions?
Signed:
A woman trying to trust her body
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Feeling anxious around someone doesn’t automatically mean they’re unsafe, but it does mean something in the dynamic is activating you. Anxiety is often your nervous system responding to inconsistency, unpredictability, or emotional tension, even when those things aren’t obvious on the surface. Your body notices patterns before your mind has language for them.
It’s important to distinguish between internal anxiety and relational anxiety. Internal anxiety tends to show up across situations. Relational anxiety appears primarily around specific people. If you feel grounded elsewhere but uneasy in this connection, that’s worth paying attention to. Your body is responding to how it experiences the interaction, not to a hypothetical future.
Many women learn to override these signals because they’re subtle and easy to rationalize. You’re taught to look for clear proof, obvious red flags, or dramatic moments. But discomfort doesn’t need to be extreme to be valid. Sometimes it’s the absence of emotional safety, not the presence of overt harm, that creates anxiety.
Anxiety can also come from sensing that you’re not fully able to be yourself. When you’re monitoring your behavior, bracing for mood shifts, or holding back parts of yourself, your nervous system stays alert. That vigilance is exhausting. It’s not a flaw in you. It’s a response to an environment that doesn’t feel fully secure.
This doesn’t mean you need to make a decision immediately. Awareness comes before action. But ignoring anxiety in favor of appearing calm or agreeable can slowly disconnect you from yourself. Understanding what your anxiety is responding to allows you to make choices from clarity rather than fear.
You don’t need to pathologize your feelings or assign blame to honor them. Curiosity is more useful than judgment. Ask what your body is protecting you from, and what it needs to feel safe again.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. Peace is not something you should have to work this hard to feel around someone. If your body feels tense, guarded, or unsettled in a connection, that matters. Anxiety isn’t always a warning to leave, but it is a signal to slow down and pay attention. Trusting your body doesn’t mean assuming the worst. It means respecting the information it’s giving you. Safety should feel steady, not something you have to convince yourself into.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa is written woman-to-woman — honest, imperfect, and human. It’s meant to offer comfort, clarity, and perspective, not professional guidance. You know your life best.
