Dear Tessa,
I feel like I’m doing too much, and I don’t know if that’s actually true or just something I’m telling myself because it feels uncomfortable. I’ve been initiating more. Checking in. Making plans. Trying to show consistency. And instead of feeling confident about it, I feel exposed. Like I’ve crossed some invisible line.
Part of me wonders if I’m overcorrecting. If I’m putting in effort that isn’t being matched. I notice how aware I am of my own actions now. How I second-guess whether I should send that message, suggest that plan, or express that thought. I don’t want to be the only one carrying momentum.
I’ve always believed that if something is mutual, effort shouldn’t feel this heavy. It shouldn’t feel like I’m reaching and hoping it lands well. But right now, it feels like I’m leaning forward while waiting to see if someone meets me there or quietly steps back.
What confuses me is that I don’t actually mind putting in effort. I just don’t want it to feel one-sided. I don’t want to be the only one trying to move things forward while the other person stays comfortable responding instead of initiating.
I also worry about how this looks. I don’t want to come off as needy or intense. I don’t want my effort to be interpreted as pressure. So instead of trusting my instincts, I start pulling back to see what happens. And that back-and-forth is exhausting.
I don’t know if doing too much means I should do less, or if it just means I’m investing in something that isn’t matching me at the same level. I don’t want to punish myself for caring, but I also don’t want to keep overextending if it’s not reciprocal.
So how do you tell when effort is healthy versus when it’s compensating for imbalance? And how do you show up without feeling like you’re the only one holding things together?
Signed:
A guy wondering if he’s overextending
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Effort starts to feel like too much when it isn’t shared. Healthy effort feels collaborative. Overeffort feels like you’re compensating for uncertainty or lack of engagement on the other side. That distinction matters.
When one person initiates most of the connection, the dynamic shifts. Effort becomes something you measure instead of something you feel. That self-awareness often shows up before resentment does, which means your instincts are already picking up on imbalance.
Doing too much isn’t about quantity. It’s about motivation. Are you acting from genuine desire, or from anxiety about losing connection? When effort is driven by fear of pulling away, it tends to feel heavier and more draining.
Pulling back to test interest often creates more confusion than clarity. Instead of playing with distance, it can be more revealing to notice what happens when you stop managing the connection. Who initiates. Who follows through. Who creates space.
You don’t need to disappear to protect yourself. You just need to stop carrying momentum that isn’t being met. Mutual effort doesn’t require strategy. It reveals itself naturally.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. Effort only feels like too much when you’re doing it alone. You’re not wrong for showing up. But you shouldn’t have to overextend to keep something alive. If your effort is doing all the work, that’s not commitment. That’s imbalance. Let mutuality show you what’s actually there.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa: Letters From Men is written advice-style to explore emotional dynamics and common blind spots from a male perspective. It’s meant to offer clarity and reflection, not professional guidance or justification. You know your situation best.
