I Feel Like I’m Giving Too Much

Dear Tessa,

I feel like I’m giving too much, and I don’t know when that started feeling normal. I give my time, my energy, my attention. I show up emotionally, I check in, I make space. I don’t do it because I expect something in return. I do it because I care. But lately, the giving feels heavier than it used to, like I’m constantly pouring from a place that never quite gets refilled.

I tell myself that generosity is a good thing. That being loving means being available. That relationships require effort, compromise, and sacrifice. And I still believe those things. But I’m starting to notice how often I’m the one adjusting, accommodating, and stretching. How rarely I feel truly met in the same way I give.

What’s hard is that no one is asking me to give this much. I offer it freely. I anticipate needs. I fill gaps before they’re even named. And because I do it willingly, it feels unfair to resent it. But the truth is, I’m tired. Not of caring, but of caring in ways that don’t seem to be reciprocated.

I’ve started wondering if my giving has become a way to keep connection alive. If I stop showing up so fully, will everything fall apart? That thought scares me. It makes me wonder whether the connection is mutual or if it’s being held together by my effort alone.

I don’t want to become guarded or transactional. I don’t want to withhold love just to protect myself. I just want to give in a way that doesn’t cost me my peace. I want to feel like my generosity is valued, not relied on as a given.

So how do you know when giving crosses the line into over-giving? How do you pull back without feeling selfish or cold? And how do you stop tying your worth to how much you’re willing to give?

Signed:
A woman running low

Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject

Giving becomes too much when it’s no longer a choice, but a compulsion. When you give because you feel responsible for holding things together, rather than because you feel inspired to share. Over-giving often starts as care, but it turns into imbalance when it consistently flows in one direction.

Many women learn to give as a way to secure connection. You show up, support, and accommodate, hoping it creates safety or closeness. Over time, that pattern can quietly teach others to receive without reflecting on what they’re offering back. Not because they intend to take advantage, but because the dynamic allows it.

It’s important to notice how your body feels when you give. Generous giving usually feels warm and expansive. Over-giving feels draining, tense, or resentful. That difference matters. Your body often recognizes imbalance before your mind is willing to name it.

Pulling back doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you start giving with intention instead of obligation. Healthy connections don’t collapse when you stop overextending. They adjust. If something only works when you give excessively, that’s information worth listening to.

You are not selfish for wanting balance. Reciprocity doesn’t have to look identical, but it should feel mutual. Giving should be an expression of connection, not a requirement for it.

Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective

Here’s the truth. You’re not meant to earn love through exhaustion. Giving is beautiful when it’s freely offered and warmly received. When it leaves you depleted, it’s time to pause and reassess. You don’t lose your kindness by giving less. You protect it. And the right connections won’t require you to give more than you have just to stay.

Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa is written woman-to-woman — honest, imperfect, and human. It’s meant to offer comfort, clarity, and perspective, not professional guidance. You know your life best.