Dear Tessa,
I thought she felt it too, and that assumption is what’s bothering me now. I believed there was a mutual understanding between us, something unspoken but shared. The way we connected, the way conversations flowed, the way certain moments lingered. I took all of that as confirmation that we were on the same page.
I didn’t ask for clarity because I didn’t think I needed to. It felt obvious. I assumed that if something felt meaningful to me, it must feel meaningful to her as well. I trusted the vibe instead of checking in. I thought that was enough.
Now I’m realizing how much of that was projection. I filled in gaps with my own feelings. I interpreted warmth as certainty and presence as intention. When things slowed down or shifted, I felt confused, like the rug had been pulled out from under me.
What’s uncomfortable is acknowledging that I may have been more invested emotionally than I realized. Or that I wanted something to be mutual so badly that I ignored signs it wasn’t. I didn’t consider that she might experience connection differently or that she might have been enjoying the moment without attaching meaning to it.
I don’t think she misled me on purpose. I think I just didn’t ask the questions that would have grounded things. I stayed in assumption because it felt safer than risking disappointment. Now I’m sitting with the fallout of that choice.
I’m trying to understand whether I misread her or whether I avoided clarity because I didn’t want the answer. Either way, I’m left with this sense of loss that feels self-inflicted.
I don’t want to repeat this pattern. I don’t want to confuse connection with alignment again.
So how do you tell when something is mutually felt versus personally imagined? And how do you seek clarity without draining the magic out of the moment?
Signed:
A guy who assumed instead of asking
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Assuming mutual feeling is common, especially when connection feels easy and affirming. But shared moments don’t always mean shared intentions. People can enjoy closeness without experiencing it the same way or assigning it the same weight.
When clarity feels risky, assumption becomes a shortcut. It allows you to stay emotionally invested without confronting the possibility of misalignment. But that shortcut often leads to confusion when reality doesn’t match expectation.
It’s important to distinguish between emotional chemistry and emotional agreement. Chemistry can be real and mutual without pointing toward the same outcome. Agreement requires conversation, not just feeling.
Seeking clarity doesn’t ruin connection. It anchors it. When the magic disappears after honest communication, it wasn’t magic holding things together. It was ambiguity.
Learning from this isn’t about self-blame. It’s about recognizing that your feelings are valid, but they don’t automatically define the situation. Clarity protects both people from misunderstanding.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. Feeling something deeply doesn’t mean it’s shared in the same way. Assumption feels romantic, but clarity is what actually prevents heartbreak. If you want mutuality, you have to risk asking. The right connection won’t disappear because you tried to understand it.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa: Letters From Men is written advice-style to explore emotional dynamics and common blind spots from a male perspective. It’s meant to offer clarity and reflection, not professional guidance or justification. You know your situation best.
