Dear Tessa,
I don’t know why I’m still attached, and that might be the most confusing part of all. On the surface, I can see the reasons I shouldn’t be. I can name the disappointments, the letdowns, the moments that chipped away at what I thought this was supposed to be. I know what hasn’t changed. I know what hasn’t shown up the way I hoped it would. And yet, here I am, still emotionally tethered to something that no longer feels good for me.
I’ve tried to logic my way out of it. I’ve made lists in my head of all the reasons I should feel detached by now. I’ve reminded myself of how much time has passed, how much space I’ve given, how many chances I’ve already extended. I tell myself that if I were stronger, more healed, or more self-aware, this attachment would have loosened by now. Instead, it lingers, quietly, stubbornly, and without a clear explanation.
What frustrates me most is that the attachment doesn’t feel active. I’m not chasing. I’m not clinging. I’m not begging for anything. It’s more internal than that. It’s a feeling that shows up unexpectedly, a pull I don’t consciously choose, a connection I can’t fully sever even when I want to. I don’t miss the situation as much as I miss what I believed it could become. And I don’t know how to let go of something that never fully existed in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m attached to the person, or to the version of myself I was when I believed in them. There was hope there. There was optimism. There was a sense of possibility that made me feel alive. Letting go of the attachment feels like admitting that I was wrong, not just about them, but about what I thought was waiting for me on the other side of patience and effort.
I’ve asked myself if this attachment means something is unfinished, or if it’s just my fear of emptiness talking. I don’t want to stay emotionally connected out of habit or comfort. I also don’t want to force detachment just to prove that I’m healed or strong enough to move on. I’m tired of judging myself for not being where I think I should be emotionally.
I want to understand why this attachment is still here. I want to know whether it’s trying to tell me something, or if it’s simply a residue of love, hope, and time that hasn’t fully dissolved yet. I don’t want to carry this forever, but I don’t know how to release it without feeling like I’m losing something important.
So tell me, Tessa. Why do attachments linger even when the situation no longer makes sense? And how do you let go without turning the process into another way to be hard on yourself?
Signed:
A woman trying to loosen her grip
Tessa’s Thoughts on the Subject
Attachment doesn’t always mean you want to go back. A lot of the time, it means something inside you hasn’t been fully acknowledged yet. We tend to think detachment should happen automatically once we understand something logically, but emotional bonds don’t work that way. They loosen when they’re processed, not when they’re judged or rushed.
You’re not attached because you’re weak or regressing. You’re attached because at some point, this connection mattered to you. It represented hope, safety, belonging, or the belief that something meaningful was possible. Even when a situation ends or shifts, the part of you that felt seen, chosen, or hopeful doesn’t instantly disappear. That part needs closure, not criticism.
A lot of lingering attachment comes from unfinished emotional business. Not unfinished conversations, but unfinished feelings. Things you never fully got to express, expectations that were never met or released, versions of the future you quietly grieved but never named. When those emotions don’t have a place to land, they tend to attach themselves to the person or situation instead.
It’s also worth naming how often attachment is tied to identity. You weren’t just connected to them. You were connected to who you were while believing in that connection. Letting go can feel like losing access to a hopeful, open, softer version of yourself. That loss deserves compassion, not pressure to move on faster.
Trying to force detachment usually backfires. When you tell yourself you should be over it by now, you create resistance instead of release. Healing doesn’t respond well to timelines or self-criticism. It responds to honesty, patience, and space. Attachment often loosens naturally once you stop arguing with it and start listening to what it’s protecting.
It’s also important to recognize that attachment doesn’t always mean desire. Sometimes it’s familiarity. Sometimes it’s unfulfilled potential. Sometimes it’s your nervous system holding onto what once felt safe, even if it no longer serves you. Understanding that can soften the shame and help you approach the process with more gentleness.
Letting go doesn’t require you to erase the meaning of what you felt. It requires you to integrate it. To acknowledge that something mattered, that it shaped you, and that it doesn’t need to continue in order to have been real or important.
Tessa’s Straight-Up Perspective
Here’s the truth. Attachment fades when you stop demanding that it disappear and start allowing yourself to understand it. You don’t let go by force. You let go by making peace with what was, without needing it to come back or make sense now. The goal isn’t emotional numbness. It’s emotional freedom. And that comes when you trust that honoring your feelings does not mean you have to stay tied to the source of them.
Disclaimer:
Dear Tessa is written woman-to-woman — honest, imperfect, and human. It’s meant to offer comfort, clarity, and perspective, not professional guidance. You know your life best.
